apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
