Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
