i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
