Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
