i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
