so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
