She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Success! We fucked roommates!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
