Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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