no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
