She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
