Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
