what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
