i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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