ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
she smelled like a LAN party
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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