i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Sober January is a disaster.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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