hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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