Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
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