Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
