You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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