Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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