wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You are a booty call, not a friend.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
