I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
