At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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