the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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