he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Randomize
