Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
