yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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