i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
