Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
