I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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