i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
well, you know. whores of a feather.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
