Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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