Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I'm always down for nudity.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
