I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
