Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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