What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
