just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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