Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
