I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
