Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
