I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
