I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
