If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
this is an emotional support booty call
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
