dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
