Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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