is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
