just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
