forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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