I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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