Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Randomize
