I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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