I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
