I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
