True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
