I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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