Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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