I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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