Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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