yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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