When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
